The LWIBH Players

Who's who in Scrantonville

Scrantonville's last remaining superskank. Millionaire businesswoman, owns Le Bar. Possesses no known redeeming qualities.

First appearance: February 8, 1999

Least qualified 'doctor' you'll ever meet. Used to live in a tent on Emily's lawn, now he's her good friend and gets to sleep in the house.

First appearance: December 25, 1999


Formerly a skank just like Emily, Bess has cleaned up her act since the reappearance of her son Kennie. Now she lives across the road from Emily, in Berve's basement.

First appearance: February 8, 1999

A.K.A. Serial killer Michael Byers-Sellers. Once believed to be catatonic, is now known to keep silence as an act of remorse for all that he's done.

First appearance: May 1, 2000


The REAL Dr. Gonzaga is a genius who discovered the key to human cloning. The Drs. Gonzaga you usually see in LWIBH are his clone workforce. Nobody remembers this.

First appearance: June 5, 2000

Dr. Shamrock's little sister. Still involved with Blank for some unknown reason. Smokes a little pot. Can be an enormous bitch when she wants to.

First appearance: May 26, 2001


Bess McDougall's lesbian mom. Involved in a long-term relationship with Cuntio. Had quintuplets by Dr. Shamrock in August 2001, but nobody ever sees them.

First appearance: September 27, 1999

Multi-platinum rap sensation. Committed to Louise. Mother of three; Tigercat, Roughrider and Alouette. Not one ounce of heterosexuality left in her, unlike Louise.

First appearance: January 31, 2000


Crazy as hell. Was picked up by Dr. Shamrock at Le Bar, then became somewhat obsessed with him. Is now trying to win his affections by sleeping in his old lawn tent.

First appearance: September 26, 2002

The man who destroyed Bess by bringing out her normalcy. Now lives in Berve's basement with Bess & Kennie. Ozzie is quiet, dull, & ordinary.

First appearance: June 26, 2002


Love child of Clem Rogers and Bess McDougall. Often forgotten, sometimes left with babysitters for months at a time before his father died and he came to live with Bess.

First appearance: September 6, 1999

Crotchety old geezer; Lives across from Emily. Complains about everything. Doesn't speak very good English. Doesn't believe in indoor plumbing.

First appearance: December 14, 2000


Emily's brother. Dirtiest man Scrantonville has ever seen.

First appearance: May 14, 1999
Last appearance: July 10, 2002

Clem & Emily's mom. She was pretty nasty herself.

First appearance: September 27, 1999
Last appearance: August 12, 2000

1998-2003, Scott E. Kuehner. All rights reserved.