STORY THUS FAR
Here's a story guide for you new folk who don't know what the hell is going on. It's in chronological order. For those who prefer dates and numbers to helpful descriptions and annotations, you'll find something like that at the bottom of the page.
Where It All Began -- Where it all actually began. The earliest and ugliest days of the strip.
Bess and Video Dating -- Bess meets a guy who doesn't run away at the sight of her.
Bess and Her "Boy" Friend -- Bess hooks up with a guy who isn't exactly a guy.
Gay Patrick & Clem's Sweet Jennie -- 'Deshondra' & Bess rent the basement to a gay man; An innocent young woman charms yucky Clem. Trouble unfolds.
"It Came From My Ass!" -- Bess unexpectedly gives birth in the toilet.
Yo!! Enter Odell, Exit Odell -- 'Deshondra' meets her match: A white guy who thinks he's black. LWIBH goes colour toward the end.
Joe the Nutless Wonder -- Bess dates a guy whose wang was torn off by a midway ride.
Girl Loses Weight, Girl Finds Weight -- Bess loses an astonishing amount of weight, for a while.
Dr. Shamrock's House Call -- Everyone's favourite mal-practitioner joins the cast.
Bess and the Vampire, Pt. 1 -- Bess has a love affair with a fake vampire.
Cuntio!! -- Emily meets multi-platinum rap sensation Cuntio at a bus stop. Friendship inexplicably follows.
Bess and the Vampire, Pt. 2 -- Fake vampire and Bess get better acquainted.
The Clem is Back in Town -- Clem comes to visit from Cleveland.
Dack Baxter's Big Nine Iron -- Emily runs over a pro golfer with her car, Dr. Shamrock patches him up.
Bess' Big Daddy -- Buzz McDougall surfaces and dies.
You Killed My Dad / You Blew My Dad -- Friction between the girls after Emily fellates Buzz's corpse and Bess reveals she accidentally killed Emily's father one year prior.
Gross-Out Month -- Ewwww.
Blank -- Emily finds a catatonic man roaming the streets and claims him as her own.
Dr. Shamrock Freaks Out -- His mind feeling the effects of street drugs and household products, Dr. Shamrock goes paranoid and suspects Blank of having a devious plan.
Did Blank Kill Bess? -- Well obviously he did not.
Emily Gets a Boob Job -- Emily gets a new set of bazookas and her frame withstands the pressure.
Blank vs. Clem -- Emily makes Blank fuck Clem's ass, Blank goes nuts and tries to shoot Clem. Ends up blowing off Emily's new rack.
The Return of Cuntio -- Cuntio returns.
The ShamZaga Clinic -- Dr. Shamrock goes into business with medical journeyman Dr. Gonzaga.
Disturbing Week -- Mostly Bess shitting her pants. Or dress.
Killer B -- Emily breaks up with Blank, Blank proceeds to kill Emily's mom, boyfriend, and several other people. Suddenly Dr. Shamrock doesn't look so crazy, but nobody says anything.
Lesbian Matchmaker Mom 2000 -- Louise makes it her business to find Bess a man.
The Ultimate Asshole -- Clem comes to visit from Cleveland.
Access Denied -- A strange new disease sweeps Scrantonville, sealing up vaginal openings.
Un-dyke My Mom -- Dr. Shamrock bangs some lesbians.
These People Are Fucked -- Dr. Shamrock pays the price for banging some lesbians: PREGNANT lesbians!
Guest Artists. And Also, Some Filler -- My wife was very sick, so I solicited some guest strips and banged out some shitty weirdness.
Have a Shitty, Shitty Christmas -- Everyone does.
Bar None -- Bess helps blow up the girls' bar, and they have to find another one.
How to Destroy A Man Without Really Trying -- I think she was trying. Emily's infatuation with a waiter at her bar results in his loss of family, job, health, home, and dignity.
I Ain't Shittin' Ya -- Bess' bowel movements resembing celebrities are hailed as pop art.
Back to Basix -- Just a bunch of stuff that happened.
The Bare Bones -- Emily is mistakenly admitted to a mental health facility for an eating disorder.
Be 'Fruit'ful and Multiply -- Checking in on pregnant lesbians.
The Long-Awaited Blank/Dr. Gonzaga Storyline -- Gonzo thinks Blank is stalking him. He's just got a dick rash.
Oh No... It'th Paaaaaatrick! And Clem! -- Clem visits, and so does gay Patrick.
Clemily -- Patrick gives Clem a home sex-change.
Doppelgangbangers -- Bess & Emily meet two skanks who look very much like them.
That Last Storyline Blew Ass -- It did.
Kleptosquack -- Bess' vagina has sticky fingers!
Return Blank To Me -- Tell 'em they can't have it, and they'll want it. Dr. Shamrock's little sister Tara starts dating Blank, causing Emily great misery and jealousy.
Roll With It, Baby -- Dr. Gonzaga develops a deodorant system for the morbidly obese.
You'll Never Be Perfect -- Emily meets a man she doesn't like by pretending to be something she's not.
Brilliant Idea #429 -- Bess has all of her teeth pulled so she can give better blowjobs.
Whose Scrotum Is It, Anyway? -- Berve's son Harvey comes to town with a scrotum so big he just can't hide it.
Baby Train -- Pregnant lesbians Louise and Cuntio give birth.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-OK -- Emily meets a guy who babbles all the time. Different from Blank, who's completely silent.
Nurse Clem -- Clem gets a job at Scrantonville Hospital 'B.'
Stalking Cuntio -- Someone's trying to kill Cuntio, but David Alan Grier will protect her.
Defective Dildo Story -- A Wal-Mart 'Personal Massage Unit' gives Emily fits.
The Right Man For The Job? -- Clem volunteers to fuck the world's ugly and unfuckable.
Uncommonly Questionable Behavior -- Emily fucks a teenager then lies about being his cousin, causing the poor little bugger to kill himself in his guilt. Bess disapproves and moves out.
Why Uncommonly Questionable Behavior Is Bad -- Emily spends an awful lot of time with Clem. Bess spends an awful lot of time with Dr. Shamrock.
Love Is In The Air -- Dr. Shamrock sustains a head injury that briefly makes him think he loves Bess. They fuck. Emily and Bess finally reconcile. Shamrock is left out in the cold.
Taste This! -- A full week of repetition. It sucks. Live and learn. Most hated storyline ever!
I Say! You Can Jolly Well Stop Stalking Me -- Bess & Emily are both hot for a snobby British jerk.
World's Longest Blowjob -- Emily gets 'caught' in a compromising situation. It takes a week to 'un-catch.'
When All Else Fails, Tell The Truth -- Bess eats cat food, which teams with her digestive system to form a powerful truth agent.
Attack of the CloneZagas -- Dr. Shamrock accidentally discovers that Dr. Gonzaga has mastered the art of cloning and created 30+ clones of himself to flood the Scrantonville workforce and make him rich.
Nice Guys Finish After You Get Yours -- Bess meets a nice, normal guy and gets to thinking it might be nice to be nice and normal.
Clem Gets a Computer -- And then Clem gets dead.
Bess Gets a Kid -- Clem & Bess' love child Kennie comes to stay with his mom after his father's embarrassing death.
Tara Wants Dirty Talk -- Mostly to break up a run of depressing developments... But Blank ain't talking.
Entropy, Scrantonville Style -- The natural order of things in Scrantonville is rocked as Bess discovers she can be normal and gets the fuck out of Emily's house.
Disaster -- Bess and a faulty septic tank team up to flood Scrantonville with human waste materials, as Dr. Shamrock's romantic feelings for Emily start to boil over.
Girl Next Door -- Desperate and lonely, Dr. Shamrock seeks a cheap bang at the bar but ends up the object of an obsessive young woman's affections.
So Much To Talk About -- Dr. Shamrock works through his issues with Stephanie, Bess frets over her mothering skills, Louise & Cuntio have marital problems, and everyone brings their troubles to Emily for some reason.
Emily Pisses Her Money Away -- Emily loses a huge whack of cash in an Indian casino, then repeatedly comes into money only to lose it again. Dr. Shamrock assumes ownership of Emily's house.Dr. Dud Pud -- Dr. Shamrock is unable to perform sexually, which angers Stephanie even though the whole fucking thing is her fault.
Bess Go Boom -- Bess notices some interesting things happen when she eats a synthetic poultry substitute. Mainly, she emits a highly toxic gas that sets Gonzaga in action.
Being Emily -- Emily spends a month doing horrible, horrible things to people she should care about. All while trying to earn their forgiveness because she's lonely as hell.
Disasturbation -- Ozzie gets caught waxing his carrot in a public place. Dr. Shamrock puts in a good word with Bess and all is forgiven.
Expect the Expected -- Saddened by the lack of turmoil in her friends' lives, Emily tells Stephanie about the one-time love affair between Beau and Bess... With results so predictable, it's the name of the storyline.
This is Why Trying to Kill Bess is Bad -- Stephanie's attempt to kill Bess puts an awkward strain on Beau and Ozzie's friendship.
Let's All Go to the Lesbos -- After Cuntio's disasterous career moves, she and Louise plan a move to the Isle of Lesbos to capitalize on it's supposedly huge lesbian music scene.
Berve's Bitch -- When Bess causes damage to Berve's house and Dr. Shamrock is forbidden to give her any money to pay for repairs, Bess and her family find a new place to live. Guess where?
Sucks to be You -- Bess eats Emily out of house and home. Emily forgets she's rich and goes on a cruel new game show. Emily loses everything, and Bess wins $50 million the following day.
Gotta Get Out of Here -- Ozzie fears if he doesn't convince Bess to spend some of her new fortune on a home, she'll spend too much time with Emily and revert to her old ways.
Blankfest 2003 -- When Tara dumps Blank on Emily for the second time, Emily starts having those old feelings again.
One Was Plenty -- Stephanie's twin sister Bethany shows up in Scrantonville. She tries to seduce Beau. Somebody kills her, nobody investigates of course. Stephanie dumps Beau and hooks up with the newly single Blank. Tara leaves town in shame.
She Ruined Me For All Other Women -- Dr. Shamrock has difficulty on the singles scene because of the mental anguish caused by Stephanie. It only gets worse when she bites his penis off. Stephanie kidnaps Ozzie because no other men will talk to her.
The Doctors Say I May Never Fuck Again -- Beau's equipment fails to perform following the second reattachment surgery. Is it because he longs to be treated badly?
Hey, Where's Fuckface? -- People begin to notice that Ozzie ain't been around much lately. It's because Stephanie has him chained up in her living room. She's trying to make him a good, subservient father because she's pregnant.
Fun With Home Market Technology -- Armed with a digital camera and a CD burner, Emily plots to make Blank regret a few 'personal' photos.
Crazy In Love -- Beau plots to get Stephanie out of, then back into, a mental institution in this ill-conceived spinoff of LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT HOME!
Clem?!? Nah, It's Just Kunky Gornariou -- Emily meets a guy who looks just like her late brother, Beau arrives back in town with medical assistant Chapman, and Berve's estate is settled.
Bessed Enhancement -- Bess, driven by a sudden desire to do something with her life, gets motivated and draws up plans for a new nightclub... Literally in her own back yard.
Doc on the Rocks -- Bess worries that having a bar in the neighborhood may be too much temptation for recovering alcoholic Beau. Emily spins plans to help Beau into plans to get him in bed.
Mortified -- When shunned by most of her friends, Emily spends a lot of time with Morton the neighbourhood pervert.
Bess Makes a New Friend but Emily Does Not -- Bess develops a closer friendship with gay bartender Ruben, but Emily fails repeatedly to charm him.
CALENDARICAL DISPLAY MODULE